BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR
By Barbara & Glenn Smyly
The old adage “be careful what you ask for, you might just get it” is never more true than when searching for a “soul mate, a twin self, our better half, or the part of us that is missing”. But, let us evaluate these ideals for a moment. Is this really what we want in a relationship?
Do we want to wake up every morning to someone who, like us, hates mornings? Do we want to complain about our siblings with someone who has clearly more to complain about than we do? How effective can life be if we choose someone to live with who hates paperwork and bill paying as much as we do? If we both avoid talking on the phone outside of work, does that mean we never get one installed? Let’s face it, some days we can’t even tolerate our own quirks let alone someone else just like us! Perhaps we should consider asking for something else.
The relationships that stand the test of time are not a mirror to ourselves but rather a compliment to our unique personalities. The imperative word here being unique. No two people express their love in relationship exactly the same way and no two people receive love in their relationship exactly the same way. Some of us want love spoken, some want action, some want romance and some of us just know when we are loved. Communication thus becomes the number one priority in maintaining and growing any relationship.The more passionate and vulnerable we are in a relationship, the more important it becomes to use every communication skill available to us.
The problem for many of us is that we go into relationships looking for this passion and safety to be vulnerable without ever searching ourselves to find out what it is about us that is unique. What do we need from a relationship to nurture and cherish that uniqueness? What would satisfy our “soul” and thus provide the safety needed to fully open our hearts and let our emotional life blossom? What can we give to a relationship to provide that same nurturing for another soul to blossom under our tender care?
What is uppermost on all of our minds is; how can we judge if the people we attract are actually a compliment and not another detriment?
How do we stay away from the “been there, done that” syndrome? We are all pretty clear on what we don’t want in relationships based on trial and error and heartache. Now is the time to stop looking at what we don’t want and discover from that what we do want. This puts a new perspective on those relationships that we left behind giving them positive value and meaning in the history of our lives.
One way to do this is to begin to communicate with ourselves by making a list of “conditions of satisfaction” for the relationship for us. What qualities would be present in the one for us in order for our life to be fully satisfying? We begin by turning around all that we are certain we don’t want in a relationship and asking for those qualities and characteristics we do want. So, if we despise our last freeloader, one of our conditions of satisfaction would be a financially responsible person. If we hate our last “player”, we require monogamy; if jealousy ruined our last relationship, we need a person with self-confidence; and on we go. The more soul searching we do at this point of creating the perfect relationship, the easier it is to judge for ourselves if we are attracting a compliment or a detriment. Should we open our heart to this one or run the other way? Keep them as a friend because they are fun or begin a more serious relationship? These questions are easily answered when we are clear about what it will take for our unique self to be expressed through relationship. This list needs to cover all aspects of our lives; mental, physical, spiritual, emotional and financial. The more detailed the list of qualities we are looking for, the easier it is to recognize and look for.
The next step in our list of “conditions of satisfaction” is to list what we are yearning to give. A relationship is not only about receiving but very importantly about giving. Many relationships are lost because one or the other has an inability to receive.
Once our list is complete to our satisfaction, the work begins. The work is to strengthen those qualities on the list in ourselves. If they are important for us to receive, they are just as important for us to give.
A lot of soul searching is required to uncover what makes us unique in relationship. It takes more discipline than most of us currently possess to rewrite the past but the result is the peace of mind that comes from knowing ourselves just a little bit better and appreciating our own unique qualities a lot more.
Relationships Advice – Remember, be careful what you ask for, you might just get it! The only question is will you like it?
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